Getting My Nerves Worked Up

Well on Monday I am going to take a practice ASVAB test to see if I can get those couple points that I lacked last time in Mechanical. If I get those 2 little points I will go re-take the test on Wednesday. I hope I can get them because this is something I really want to do....However here is the down fall. If I pass the test I can be shipped off to Basic Training within a week of passing it....Kinda scary to think of leaving Jessica and my family for all that time. Just knowing that I won't be able to see them or even talk to them for the 10 weeks I would be there. I mean I can write them and everything, but I can't hear their voices. However I guess that is the price I will have to pay to follow my dreams of being in the Military.
Jessica and I are doing much better now. I still have to talk to her about some stuff. I really need to learn to communicate a little better. I know that I hate talking about problems when they occur so I bottle them up, and we all know what happens then. That's right I let it all out at once and it's never pretty. I mean I don't get violent however I do yell and say stuff I don't mean. I always feel like a complete ass when I do that though. I however did grow up in a bad setting until I was 10ish.
I will go into this with you all. My mom and biological dad had me when they were young. I mean my mom was only 15 when she had my older brother Trevor. I beleive she was 17 when she had me. And I am sure that is hard to have two kids at that age. As far as I know my dad was an awsome dad, however he was a little childish as most 18 year olds are. Well when I was 1 my older brother fell off the back of a chair and went into Coma. Well my mom and biological dad had broke up a few months before that so my mom's boyfriend (my adoptive dad) was baby-sitting us while my mom was at work. Well the officers thought my mom's boyfriend had something to do with Trevors head injury and took me from my mom for a few days. Saying that I lived in an unsafe place. Well all this time my brother was sitting in the PICU and not going to make it. Well my two dads looked alot alike when they were younger so the hospital would not let my biological dad go see Trevor because they thought they were the same guy, not only that they have the same name Paul. Well the doctors told my mom that my brother was not going to ever pull through and so she talked to my bio dad and they decided to pull the plug. So on November 30, 1987 Trevor passed away. Well after all this happened my bio dad skipped out on me and so Paul Unsicker adopted me.
Okay so after my mom and Paul Unsicker got married he got really abusive towards my mom. So many times I remember hiding under the table scared to death he was going to hurt me. I use to watch him knock my mom out. I mean she would lay on the floor and not move. And I was young however I remember always thinking "Is my mom dead?" She would lay there for hours and not move and my dad would just leave. There were times he would freak out and pull big knives out of the drawer and cut himself and make my mom sit and watch. The thing I do remember is my mom never did anything wrong. My mom did not deserve what was happening to her. The day my mom brought Kristina home from the hospital after having her, he freaked out and almost knocked Kristina's bassinet to the ground by pushing my mom into it. He came after me and would beat me for going outside and playing with friends. If you ever move to quick towards me you will see me flinch and that's why. I went through so much growing up and people just don't realize it. One day I came home from school and my mom was gone. I didn't see her for a week. And the day she came home she said get your stuff we are moving. That's the day my mom got me and my two sisters and we took off. That's the day my mom left the abuse behind and we started over. My dad got counseling and has never abused anyone since. He went to prison for 7 years due to drugs which made me hate him for many many years. I never talked to him in those 7 years and when he came out and got married to my step mom Tonya it made me realize he's changed. I need to put the past behind me and forgive my dad. If my mom can do it so can I. My dad and I get along better than ever and I could not be happier with him.
However my biological dad Paul Wright did find me when I was 16 and our relationship had been really good until recently when he decided to forget who I am and not talk to me anymore because I didn't put him on our Wedding Invitation. So I figure when he wants to grow up and get over that fact, I will be here waiting for him.
Anyways it felt good to get all this off my chest and let people know why I don't speak. It's because I grew up in a house where if you speak your mind you get beat. And I have had alot of counseling for it and it just hasn't helped me talk in a relationship. I don't know maybe one day I will get there....

Hope You Weren't To Bored....Todd