Ever Thought Why?

Have you ever took a step back and wondered why? Have you ever asked yourself over and over why did that happen? Ever thought why is my life going the way it is? Why Why Why? That's all I ever ask myself and I hate it. I think of my life and it's wonderful. However some of the actions I take at times make me question myself. Like today Jessica and I got in a fight and she said something and it made me say "Then lets get divorced." I knew that would hurt her and that's why I said it. Then I thought why the HELL would I try and hurt her like that? I sat and wondered why we were even fighting. And I have to have bi-polar so it makes it that much worse when I get mad. I hold it in and don't want to talk about it. It sucks big time. I hold a grudge like no other. And then when the "pain" goes away I ask myself why. That's all I have going through my head right now. I love Jessica with all my heart and know we are meant to be. But why do we argue out of the blue? It's not an everyday thing of course, but I just don't understand why we do it. This was our first fight since the wedding and it has torn me apart. It feels so much worse than when we were dating and would argue. I feel so much more guilty for things said. It's weird how sitting here being bored has made me think. I hate myself for saying stuff, but hate myself for not sticking up for myself. I don't want to hurt her so I don't say what I think. I just yell and don't think about what I am saying. UGH!!!! I know all will be better in the morning and hopefully it will be off my mind. It was hours and hours ago when it happend so it needs to just leave my mind. Todd